‘Healing’ should not be our entire personality

I read this quote on social media and it stayed with me.
As trauma survivors, the process of healing can overpower us, taking over our lives.
I’m constantly aware of remnants of my CPTSD such as anxiety or coping mechanisms.
And I’m scared that if I don’t heal my pain, I will become just like my abusers.
So healing should be the most important thing in my life, right?

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
– Rumi

Being aware of our pain is paramount to healing, but obsessing around it isn’t.
Healing is ego work. We are trying to stop our ego to become overly defensive or aggressive.
If we concentrate too much on our recovery journey, our ego will use it to become it.
We will start to pride ourselves on the books we read, the seminars we’ve done to mentally set ourselves apart from others.
Our healing journey will become yet another coping mechanism to mask the true work underneath.

“Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.”
– George R.R. Martin

If our pain was especially traumatic, it may never fully disappear and that’s okay!
I learned that accepting any after waves and remnants of trauma is important to let the pain go.
If loud noises or being shouted at still triggers you, that’s completely fine.
You survived something awful that shouldn’t have happened, and you’re showing yourself compassion when others didn’t.

“Time doesn’t heal emotional pain, you need to learn how to let go.”
– Roy T. Bennett

This time last year I was worrying about the strong reemergence of intrusive thoughts.
A psychologist I consulted assured me that this was to be expected with my history, and the only way to heal it was to accept it.
The thoughts do not mean I am broken, or not working on my healing journey enough; they just are.
And lo and behold, as I allow them to exist without judging myself, they have gotten better.
They still pop up sometimes, but I know that doesn’t correlate to my self-worth and value, and that’s okay!

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