Can I see others for who they truly are, or for who I want them to be?
Am I confusing necessity for love?
Too often we equate dependency with love.
When we’re miserable without the object of admiration, we decide: This must be it.
The great something we’ve been waiting for, salvation from our ordinary life.
Our centre of gravity has shifted outside of us:
We are no longer whole within ourself.
“No matter how strong we are,
if we look clearly into ourselves
we will find the wish to be
taken care of for a change.”
– M. Scott Peck
When we are too preoccupied with being loved, there is nothing left in us to love others.
Outside validation becomes the holy grail.
We identify ourselves with the opinion of others and despise loneliness, while craving fame.
From an anxious attachment style, terrified of losing our loved ones, to a pathological caretaker with no boundaries: it’s not a happy live.
We are not in love – we are in need.
“Dependent individuals are passive
because they concern themselves with
what others can do for them to the
exclusion of what they themselves can do.”
– M. Scott Peck
Being overly dependent on others renders us powerless.
Codependent people stay in abusive relationships, keep toxic people in their lives, jump from one intense adventure to another and cling to their repeating patterns.
Their future goals are about the roles they aim to fill – father, wife, beloved.
According to psychiatrist Peck, they find it difficult to strive for any goals that do not involve the admiration of others – living independently, finding a job, growing a hobby.
“They made us believe that each one of us
is the half of an orange and that life only
makes sense when you find that other half.
They did not tell us that we were
born as a whole and that no one in our lives
deserves to carry on his back such responsibility
of completing what is missing on us.”
– John Lennon
Children who were taught a sense of inner security seldom grow into codependent adults.
They have a sense of responsibility for their own happiness, and have accepted their independence in life.
Able to delay gratification, they do not starve for love and can self-soothe.
When we do not expect everyone to love us, we are less likely to be disappointed, angry or jealous.
‘Better to be addicted to heroin than codependent.
When you have a supply of heroin, you’re good.
But if you expect another person to make you happy,
you’ll forever be disappointed.‘
Codependent people will insists that their love is the real deal.
Unfortunately, you can only name what you know.
Most were only loved when useful as children, so true love was never experienced.
But it is not too late for us: surround yourself with genuine love.
I have found activism, spirituality and volunteering healing (and my pets of course!).
How do you work on your codependent tendencies?