Addicted to love: Dependency in relationships

Can I see others for who they truly are, or for who I want them to be?
Am I confusing necessity for love?
Too often we equate dependency with love.
When we’re miserable without the object of admiration, we decide: This must be it.
The great something we’ve been waiting for, salvation from our ordinary life.
Our centre of gravity has shifted outside of us:
We are no longer whole within ourself.

“No matter how strong we are,
if we look clearly into ourselves
we will find the wish to be
taken care of for a change.”
– M. Scott Peck

When we are too preoccupied with being loved, there is nothing left in us to love others.
Outside validation becomes the holy grail.
We identify ourselves with the opinion of others and despise loneliness, while craving fame.
From an anxious attachment style, terrified of losing our loved ones, to a pathological caretaker with no boundaries: it’s not a happy live.
We are not in love – we are in need.

“Dependent individuals are passive
because they concern themselves with
what others can do for them to the
exclusion of what they themselves can do.”
– M. Scott Peck

Being overly dependent on others renders us powerless.
Codependent people stay in abusive relationships, keep toxic people in their lives, jump from one intense adventure to another and cling to their repeating patterns.
Their future goals are about the roles they aim to fill – father, wife, beloved.
According to psychiatrist Peck, they find it difficult to strive for any goals that do not involve the admiration of others – living independently, finding a job, growing a hobby.

“They made us believe that each one of us
is the half of an orange and that life only
makes sense when you find that other half.
They did not tell us that we were
born as a whole and that no one in our lives
deserves to carry on his back such responsibility
of completing what is missing on us.”
– John Lennon

Children who were taught a sense of inner security seldom grow into codependent adults.
They have a sense of responsibility for their own happiness, and have accepted their independence in life.
Able to delay gratification, they do not starve for love and can self-soothe.
When we do not expect everyone to love us, we are less likely to be disappointed, angry or jealous.

Better to be addicted to heroin than codependent.
When you have a supply of heroin, you’re good.
But if you expect another person to make you happy,
you’ll forever be disappointed.

Codependent people will insists that their love is the real deal.
Unfortunately, you can only name what you know.
Most were only loved when useful as children, so true love was never experienced.
But it is not too late for us: surround yourself with genuine love.
I have found activism, spirituality and volunteering healing (and my pets of course!).
How do you work on your codependent tendencies?

13 thoughts on “Addicted to love: Dependency in relationships

Add yours

  1. I’m happy to be back on reading my fellow bloggers’ posts! That line, “we are not in love – we are in need”, I think hit me in some ways. I can say that I started out independent when my second relationship happened. It’s been 6 years and I feel I’m starting to slowly become dependent on my partner maybe because it’s been years and we became too comfortable I guess. Also ever since I’ve acknowledged my anxious self I kind of feel the need to always rely on my boyfriend. I haven’t given much thought about it, but I think it would be healthy for the both of us to evaluate some things for improvement. Thanks for sharing this post, Jasmine! This is defintely one of those, I-didn’t-think-I-need kind of posts. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw I’m so glad you liked it! I haven’t posted daily in a while as life has been super busy but I’ve missed it! I wouldn’t worry too much about relying on your partner, as long as you’re not rigid in your roles and are able to give and take it’s very normal! All my readings say that healthy relationships allow a give and take. As long as they don’t become your whole world you’re good! Well done on the introspection and thank you so much for your comment x

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you so much for the kind words! 😭 Here I am worrying on all sorts of things! Thank you, this just what I need. I’m sending my hugs to you! Have a great weekend! ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I actually found your last question quite confronting. I genuinely cannot answer it because I suspect it’s something I’ve not been honest with myself about. Thank you for the transparency!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad you liked it! It’s all about progress, not perfection. Definitely one of my problem areas as well but being aware of it is the first step! All the best and thanks for your comment!


  3. This post hit me so hard. Back then, I was so into the idea of 2 broken people fixing each other. I have so many stories about it and it ain’t pretty, it didn’t end well. Anyways, what I learned from it, was never depend on anyone to fix your problems and never depend your happiness on anyone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We live and we learn! I’ve been there too and had fantasies about being someone’s salvation so they would depend on me and not leave me. I wasn’t aware of it now and am slightly embarrassed of it now! We can only ever be responsible for our own happiness like you said! Glad to hear the post helped you Joana! x

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I actually really fear depending as I was let down so much.. As you stated in some comments its about balance.. I think the key point is that you dont need them to complete you and you can validate yourself and not give that away to get love.. at least that is my take on it.. apparently unhealthy dependency and co dependency is strongest in children of narcissistic parents.. we long for the approval we never got..but a relationship may be the wrong place to look.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s all about balance like you said! It’s natural we have this desire, but we will never find fulfillment in others. What we’re looking for is where we’re looking from (inside of us!) x


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