Why we hate people depending on us – or boundaries 101

It’s a primal itch pushing us away from others: the reluctance of being relied upon.
While we may be unsure why we feel this way, most of know it’s unnatural.
Life without connection and trust seems not only wrong, but deeply sad.
We wouldn’t want to isolate ourselves like that forever. But how do we stop it?

“She just doesn’t get a hint” my friend said to me on the phone.
“I feel like she doesn’t respect me and manipulates me.
People keep expecting me to fix their life for them.”

How easy is it to blame other people!
I for one resent them for not needing me, and for needing me too much. Can’t do it right!
Clearly, the issue doesn’t lie with others – it sits with my lack of boundaries.
They are the difference between me being a doormat and me being assertive.

“I like helping people because I am good at it. 
But it takes a lot out of me. After years of people taking advantage of that part of me I no longer hand it out freely. Makes me feel overcrowded and irritable when people depend on me, especially because I realize I rarely ever depend on anyone else.”

– yukaby on reddit

It was in Laos on Christmas Day when I politely refused to attend another hostel’s party.
Why, asked the owner, you’re welcome whether you stay here or not!
Honestly I had just gotten into the habit of saying no to other people’s kindness.
If you cannot accept nice people, you cannot be nice person!, the hostel lady said.
And I know you are nice person!
What could I say to that, I joined them, danced with strangers, and had the best time.

Do I hate people relying on me
because I cannot rely on others?
Are my trust issues projecting within
myself as I know I cannot reciprocate?

But not only are my boundaries and trust affected, my emotional maturity is as well.
I like doing things my way.
I can contain my impatience, my short fuse, alter my routine and swallow my need to be alone
but it does tire me out.
My resilience in these matters is not trained enough, and it won’t be if I keep avoiding these situations.
We cannot and should not fight shy of what makes us uncomfortable, but seek it out until it doesn’t anymore.

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