As a childless (do rats count?) gal, I wouldn’t dare to make this statement myself.
I was in my weekly oppression class, with today’s topic being the discrimination of parents, when a mother spoke these words.
She spoke of the love one can only experience through their offspring (which pissed off all the childfree people on the zoom).
But also why some feel called upon childrearing.
Do people have children when they want to be unconditionally loved?
“You are enough” the meeting leader was saying to the parents.
I wish someone had told me that as a child.
I have definitely thought so myself.
When you grew up with abusive and manipulative carers, you feel unwanted when not pandering to their every need.
At the danger of generalising my experiences, isn’t even the desire to give your life to someone else selfish? Don’t all parents ultimately want something from their children?
Please do comment as I am genuinely asking.
I haven’t encountered all-loving parents who do not become disappointed when their expectations aren’t met, who do not identify themselves with their children or pass on unprocessed traumas.
My mother often told me that I wasn’t her daughter,
but her mother.
As a child I would hold her as she cried,
and yearn for her touch when I did.
After cutting my firstborn who gave birth to me out of my life, how could I not be terrified of having children?
I thought I didn’t want to have children, in fear of messing them up as badly as I was.
It was when speaking to a therapist years ago when she pointed out every time I spoke of hypothetically having kids.
I made it my #1 priority to heal my childhood trauma because I knew my parents never did.
I’m scared that if I never have children
I can’t prove to myself that I am not my mother.
I’m scared that I only want children to be mothered
just like I mothered my own.
There is no real resolution to this post, but I thought my musings might resonate with other trauma survivors.
The title of this post that a mother spoke truly moved me, while I’m sure many parents might disagree with it.
If you liked this mother-angst kind of reading, you should check out this other post of mine:
I’m so terrified of being a bad mother, I’d rather not be a mum at all sometimes