Once again, I feel myself slipping.
I’ve been sat in front of a blank page on my laptop, lying on my yoga mat or messing around on my phone: whatever my prime objective was, it’s not anymore.
It’s a mixture of procrastinating and disassociating, this getting lost in daydreams.
Following on from my post yesterday about the space between having and talking myself out of ideas, today I will write about the vacuum we built ourselves into instead of doing the thing.
Now that every day looks the same inside my four walls, my imagination is just more interesting.
It comes most strongly in the afternoon: post-lunch blues and pre-dinner fuzziness.
I will play with my hair for a good hour, stare at my hands for a few minutes or find myself lying on the ground without moving. It makes you wonder how I ever got diagnosed with ADHD.
Fazing out allows me to take a break from the world.
I can visit the future or the past, conjure up scenarios where I did know the right thing to say, or was brave enough to stand up for myself.
I wish my body was stickier, so that my mind was less likely to escape.
They say that victims of childhood abuse learned that their body isn’t safe, but it’s more than that. Don’t tell my body, but it’s just kinda boring.
There are moments when meditating for instance when I feel a burning aliveness.
But often, I wonder if the gift of life isn’t squandered on my mundane tasks.
Not in a red-flag-call-the-therapist kind of way, but in a am-i-doing-enough-and-savouring-life kind of way.
Work hard, play hard – unfortunately I seem to forget when I play that I did the work too.
I’m just rambling at this point; my words are disassociating from my original purpose too.
I keep looking out of the window: the heavy grey sky, the sirens in the distance, the pigeons braving the wind. There’s so much to look at and take in, yet my mind is stuck in a machine trying to convince strangers that I am indeed smart and that they should click a little button.
I know of ways to bring my mind back into my body such as focusing and meditation, but what if I’d rather not?
Do you know this feeling I’m talking about? Let me know so we can zone out together!