Viewing reality through the prism of rejection

Once you’ve been burnt, you’ll not only run from anything hot, but anything remotely warm.
And when you get cold, you might think that’s what you deserve.

People who grew up with adverse childhood experiences, such as abuse or neglect, often struggle with rejection sensitivity as a symptom of their complex PTSD.
A pattern of continued abandonment will lead the child to internalise their caretakers’ response – normalising to be let down becomes a survival mechanism.
So when this child grows up, it will continue to expect being let down, and ultimately being alone, forever.

“Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.”
– Gabor Mate

Ultimately, healing from abandonment requires safety.
After childhood trauma taught you that other people aren’t safe, your body isn’t safe, and neither is your mind.
It’s not even so much that healing feels impossible – at first, even trying to trust can feel like a death wish.
The first step to lay down a worldview of possible abandonment is to feel at home in our body again. For this, the body needs to move out of its perpetual fight-or-flight response and soothe the nervous system.
EMDR therapy, movement therapy such as the Feldenkrais method, mind-body tools such as tapping (EFT) or Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing, breathwork like Buddhist pranayama methods (with a special shout-out to Irene Lyon‘s work) did the trick for me!

“Rejection, I have found, can be the only antidote to delusion.”
— Ottessa Moshfegh

And once you’ve done the inner work, and you venture outside your comfort zone seeking out new experiences – do not retreat at the first disappointment!
Your heart has been strengthened and your new caretaker (you!) will never abandon you again.
Rejection will show you what is not for you, and highlight what is.
But going through life, expecting rejection as a punishment for daring to love, isn’t that worse than any trauma other people have ever inflicted upon you?
Wouldn’t you rather die knowing you’ve lived expecting the best outcome, and built up your self-confidence single-handedly out of a love for everything that has gone right?
But still, healing from trauma is not a straightforward journey. Waves will still wash ashore long after you’ve thought you’ve explored every insecurity to death.

“Scientists found that people who suffer from depression, anxiety, or C-PTSD have overactive DMNs. The Default Mode Network is the seat of responsibility and insecurity in the brain. It can be a punishing force when it over-ruminates and gets caught in a toxic loop of obsession and self-doubt.
The most efficient cure for an overactive DMN is mindfulness.”
— Stephanie Foo 

The only way to catch trauma out is to be aware of your thoughts and feelings in everyday life.
Buddhist mind training, or lojong, specialises in using life’s adversities as a path for growth. But simple breath meditation, or returning to the present moment using your sense perceptions, can work wonders.
I’ve found it especially important not to go on the attack (or defensive!) when you do notice an overactive rejection meter. You’re missing an opportunity for happiness when you blame others or the world for making you feel vulnerable.
Take a moment, self-soothe, reparent, and go back out. Be kind, be patient, be responsible – most of all to yourself.
And what a gift that would be to the little child who thought they’d be forever alone.