“I will never be loveable” – here’s how to convince yourself otherwise

In a poll by therapist Emma McAdam, 92% of her audience said that they believe they are never good enough.
I used to believe this too. In fact, that belief used to be so deeply ingrained in me, it felt like it was the only thing keeping me together.
I used to go through life comparing myself to others, constantly berating myself, having nightmares of slowly disappearing, and wondering if I ever woke up.
The biggest accomplishment of my life is that I can truly say – I am enough. Finally.
But how did I get here?

“I wonder if the sun debates dawn
some mornings
not wanting to rise
out of bed
from under the down-feather horizon

I wasn’t living in reality.
When things went differently than expected, I was not reacting to what was – but what I worried was real based on past experiences. So when a friend didn’t text back, I would feel all the pain of my ex ghosting me or my parents refusing to talk to me. And instead of shrugging off one inconvenience, it felt like a huge boulder of piled-up, unprocessed pain weighing me down.
The first step in my healing journey was admitting that I was not being rational.
It’s highly unlikely that everyone hated me. It’s impossible that every single person will leave me.
What is very likely is that I keep moving in patterns that are familiar, because then at least I feel safe.

if snow flakes get sick
of being perfect all the time
each one
trying to be one-of-a-kind

I couldn’t believe that I was loveable, because I did not love myself.
And why would I?
I was friends with people because they wanted to, I had a job only because it looked great on LinkedIn, I kept dating just so people wouldn’t pity me.
Love is born out of vulnerability, and I was allowing myself none.
So I left it all, went backpacking, changed careers, finally came out, enacted boundaries with my family – I’m not going to lie, it took a while.
Changes this drastic are frightening, and it takes time for you to even know what you want! Little by little, one frightening decision at a time, I came to respect myself.
But is the pain of trying worse than the pain of never having been yourself?

if the soil thinks she’s too dark
if butterflies want to cover up their marks
if rocks are self-conscious of their weight
if mountains are insecure of their strength

Loving yourself is daily work.
Survivors of CPTSD are often obsessed with the idea of being “healed”, or “normal”.
My intrusive self-hating thoughts never went away, and I doubt they will. But that’s just part of being me. They do not mean I am broken. My thoughts are simply waves tickling my feet – they are not me.
But I will forget this unless I put in the work.
For me, that’s journalling, meditating, breathwork and somatic healing.
For you, it might be dancing, praying, lying on the floor crying, whatever!
As long as it feels right, do it! Daily!

I wonder
where the moon goes
when she is in hiding
I want to find her there”
– Naima Penniman, “Being Human”

And most of all, gratitude.
My friend was recently asking me about my journey to self-love.
“I’m glad you’re all zen now Jasmine” she said “but I have no idea how to even feel okay. I don’t even know where to start. I just feel so down all the time. I’ve got no energy to do anything. I don’t understand how you’ve been here, and are now good.”
“It’s not about big changes. You don’t have to do what I did, the backpacking and Buddhism. It’s about seeing the light in your life, right now, wherever it is, and following it. See if there is anything you can be grateful for, and lean into it.”
Yes, there is so much pain and suffering in the world.
If that is all you’re focusing on, you will drown. I nearly did.
But shifting your gaze to the light does not mean you are being delusional, or blocking out the bad. It means you can actually do something about it.
I am loveable because I decide everyday that I see the light in myself.
The parts of me that are trying to connect, that help others, that nourish nature and stillness. That are human.