On knowing what you want

Trauma can teach us that making decisions is dangerous.
Often, I feel more comfortable in limbo, or letting others choose for me.
Sometimes however, we are going to have to make a choice that can alter our lives.
When the possible consequences are life-changing, how do we move?

“Have you ever noticed how
‘What the hell’
is always the right decision to make?”

– Terry Johnson

Some decisions like what movie to watch, where to eat or what wall colour to pick can be deferred.
Others like what course to study, what country to live in or what partner we want, cannot.
What do I do when pro-con lists don’t do it and speaking to others doesn’t help?
When it truly depends on what my heart wants, I go with my gut.

“Being in command means making tough decisions.
Not being in command means shutting up
and doing what you’re told.”

– Eoin Colfer

I don’t want to be a passive participant to my own life.
And yet, by letting others choose for me, I am not in control of it.
For a long time, my friends were whoever asked me to hang out.
My partners were whoever liked me, and my career was whatever I was good at.
My life was a series of coincidences.

But knowing and choosing what I want
means disappointing some,
and I was preferred
letting myself down over others.

Here comes my favourite word again: It all comes down to boundaries.
Can I say no to people without obsessing over it for weeks?
Can I choose A over B without wondering ‘what if’?
Can I allow myself to try out different paths for the sheer sake of it?
Today, I choose to say ‘What the hell’.

The purpose of life is to have a happy, fulfilling life,
not to go through it with upsetting the least amount of people.

At the end of the day, making a choice is like ripping off a bandaid.
After worrying over it for ages, I make an impromptu decision, and deal with the outcome.
How do you deal with making choices when your instinct is to let others make them for you?

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