The material search for intimacy

We all need to feel close to others.
Especially in the time of social distancing you might find yourself wondering how intimacy is created: does it come naturally to you, do you have to make time for it or do you fear it?
Some find intimacy in drugs, in sex, in taking care of others.
But can anyone truly find it within themselves?

If time alone feels like punishment,
like you did something wrong,
maybe you did.

If we are trying to find connection in external things such as addiction,
our need must be coming from a place of fear and shame.
Often, being alone does not makes us feel lonely, but punished.
This comes from abandonment in childhood, but can be worked on!
We no longer need others to fix us, we can heal all by ourselves.

“I wonder if this is how people always get close:
They heal each other’s wounds;
they repair the broken skin.”
– Lauren Oliver

And once we find why we cannot be by ourselves, it will be easier to truly let others in.
When we don’t need them to fulfil us, we can act out of genuine love.
We can see others for who they are, and not for who we need them to be.
For true intimacy with others requires vulnerability.
And if we are too scared to be hurt, too scared of whether we can take it, we will always keep a wall up – and love out.

“True love is not a hide and seek game:
in true love, both lovers seek each other.”
– Michael Bassey Johnson

Intimacy, be it in romance, family or deep friendship, is all over us in media.
We crave it and feel a hole when we’re lacking it.
But once we set out to chase some mythical fantasy, we ignore what’s right in front of us.
That’s when we try to fill this love-shaped hole with material possessions.
In my case, drugs, food and shopping tries to fill in for intimacy.
But meditation, prayer and art make space for true love I find within myself.
What creates intimacy for you?