I’m sure you know what I’m talking about: we spent so long preparing to become the person we want to be. With the right education, friend group, boundaries with our family. And then around 30, you see your friends becoming engaged, getting promotions, and you know you should have by now emerged from the cocoon of goo and become the final product. Or at least A product, you know?
Yesterday I got some news that my entire professional future might implode. This would mean I would have to go back to the drawing board after I’ve already changed career paths multiple times.
And as much as I dread the uncertainty, and mourn my passion, I am mostly terrified about what people when say when they realise I am still becoming, I am still only a girl, I am still goo.
“Wherever you go becomes a part of you somehow.”
– Anita Desai
Logically I know that all these roadblocks inform me in the long run.
I know that I will constantly be in a state of flux. Everything that happens to me will stain the tapestry that I call “I” in ways I can only discern from a distance.
“Oh, all these random botches that felt like blood actually become petals to this flower!” It’s a sweet and wholesome idea, but right now, it still feels like being wounded. I understand that it’s a choice of perspective, but I feel frozen in place.
“The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story,
the sadder it becomes.”
– Nikolai Gogol
Let’s switch this quote around. The longer I stare at this deeply sad situation, the funnier it becomes. It is kinda funny to build all my hopes and dreams on an idea, only for it to come crashing down. It will one day hopefully be funny that I thought this was what I was meant to do with my life.
Part of what hurts so deeply is the loss of control over the situation. I’ve become a participant in my life. What I can do though is adjust how I react.
So I will try to do that. But I will also allow myself to grieve, to disassociate, to wallow in self-pity, even if just for a little while.
Reparent Your Soul 
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