Yesterday’s shower won’t keep you clean today

The great obsession of early trauma recovery is that once you’ve addressed it, you’re good.
I can finally be like everyone else, and go about my day trigger-free.
Unfortunately, years of therapy have proved me wrong. And I’m glad it did!

“Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.”
– AA Just for Today card

Healing isn’t linear. There is no A to B. I have found the journey more like a pendulum.
Instead of tackling a lifetime at once, I try to keep it in the day. One day at a time.
After all, overcoming something that shook you to the core is not just a mental process, but a physical and spiritual one as well.
Yes, we were not the cause of what happened.
It also takes time for our body to heal its muscle memory: not to jump at every loud noise, have healthier dreams, retrain the inner judge.
And on a spiritual level, have we learned to accept that life can be unfair, but also beautiful, and to welcome both with open arms?

“We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.”
– Bessel A. van der Kolk

Ultimately, the greatest gift I have received from therapy is patience.
Do not expect a lifetime of work in one session.
Every morning I get up, and try to remind myself of old trauma patterns I have outgrown off, the importance of meditation, movement and food, and I try to live with honesty and humility.
Having done my prayers yesterday does not mean that my issues won’t flare up today.
When life gets tough, I welcome the opportunity of growing.
And thank god for that! A life without self-growth, continual surprises at what I am capable of and unlimited self-love sounds boring anyway, right?

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