Not doing it for praise (and yet…)

This month, I spearheaded the campaign to remove a predator from my social group.
Not only triggering, I am disheartened at how hard I’ve had to fight for this.
Granted, there were a small handful of other people involved, but they were victims themselves or late to the conversation. The people I had learned to trust had excuses galore.
And at the end of it, everyone was praised but me. Take a message, I thought.
And while I was obviously not doing it for praise, it’s that other’s did get it that bothered me.

It doesn’t feel like a victory,
and I’m not sure it should.

Obviously I cannot give this situation justice anonymously on this blog, neither do I want to.
But everyone knows this feeling:
You can’t change status quo without being annoying.
To give a voice to the unrepresented, those who have one will feel like theirs is silenced.
It can be frustrating and easy to react instead of respond.
So easily our ego becomes involved, picks out who’s against who, and whether we’re winning.

My inner child is showing when craving praise.
I tug her in gently by reparenting:
“You did great, I’m so proud of you!” I whisper to her.

My needing validation is based in fear of having done something wrong.
My conditioning tells me that this is dangerous; my fight or flight response gets triggered.
So while it may initially look like anger and unfair behaviour, I’m able to see my part in this.
I was guided by people I trusted, so swimming against the grain was worth following my heart.

I rant in my journalling –
my ego demands to be heard.
I praise myself in my mediation –
my inner child calms down some.
I no longer crave praise,
but only well-deserved rest and a new day.

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