Put me in a room full of strangers, and within minutes I have singled out the person I will crush on for the next few weeks. I’m all too eager to fall head over heels, and I turn away from love as quickly as I fell into it. Whats the point of all this emotional back and forth?
It was the end of our second day of our Buddhist retreat, and we were talking about feelings and attachments. The floor was opened to questions, and my hand shot up.
‘How can we stop ourselves from crushing on others?’ I was hoping our nun, an elderly Swedish lady sitting crisscross in front of us, would share some tricks to quieten the heart.
Instead, she giggled. ‘Nothing wrong with that! Let your mind have fun.‘ Not what I was looking for.
I could feel the looks of 200 people in the kompa, many already guessing who I had my eye on. Embarrassing to say the least. Should have thought of that before I asked the question.
The more I think about my obsession to crush, the more I realise I’m actually addicted to giving away my power.
Daydreaming of what I would say or do to woo so-and-so is easier than tackling my daily problems. It gives me a face to match my fantasies, and keeps me content instead of reaching out for real risk. Like an eternal child, I’m too shy to actually speak my intentions or make a real move. I’m safe living in my imaginary world where everyone magically knows what and who I want.
I’ll be honest: I’m not sure how I can change. In the past, I relied on nights out and alcohol to give me enough liquid courage. I have no idea how to navigate sober social situations. Over the past few years I have either laid it on far too thick, or ignored my crushes completely: there is no in between. I’ve been enjoying being single for the last three years, and it didn’t stop me from having fun. But I worry that I’m getting a bit too comfortable longing for a partner instead of putting my heart out there.
Here’s to hoping everyone will be as desperate as I am for some company once the lockdown is over!