Trauma patterns in relationships to be wary of

Significant traumatic events can hit us like a tidal wave, with its ripples being felt for years and decades to come.
That does not mean that we are bound to drown though! With awareness and compassion, we can have healthy and fulfilling relationships just like anyone.

Last month we talked about behaviours CPTSD survivors engage in that push others away: bottling up frustration and then exploding, impossible expectations of loved ones as well as vilifying and cutting off people.
Today we will dive deeper into more behaviours to be aware of.
Don’t beat yourself up if you see these within yourself, especially as the first one is:

1. Don’t let shame and rejection turn you into a people-pleaser
   
   Maybe as a child you needed to feel accepted to be physically safe, but this is no longer true. Often survivors of CPTSD panic when faced with rejection and pain.
   Instead of being able to shake off one person’s opinion, they obsess over ways with which to win the person over.
   We cannot please everyone, and neither is it our job to – we deserve more than to constantly pursue people who chose not to be in our life.
   
2. Black and White thinking: villains and heroes
   
   Nuances of relationships are often lost on survivors in their early healing journey as we have not been modeled healthy long-term contact with others. If you find yourself finding the best people every, only for them to reveal themselves as monsters, you may engage in black and white thinking. If you are either better than everyone or the worst possible person alive, can you admit that you are unable to see reality as it is?
   
3. Protect your heart until you really know people
   
   It is tempting to bond with people using your backstory, especially if they have a similar one. When dating, you want to act on quick, strong feelings. But be careful not to divulge too much too quickly. The more information you offer others before you know it is a safe relationship, the more emotional danger you put yourself in. Bonding with others using pain is also a manipulation tactic on the sharer’s part. Why rush a connection instead of waiting for it to naturally develop based on likes and dislikes?
   
4. Stop trying to read people’s minds
   
   Often we engage in controlling patterns that may not look like it. Nobody means to manipulate others, it usually comes from a place of fear, insecurity and a deep need to connect with others. Trying to control or anticipate how others feel is a particularly sticky one. Are you just uncomfortable when people are upset with you, try to avoid it by all costs, and don’t allow others to need space from you? Are you able to admit that you are overreaching other people’s boundaries?
   

Focusing in on what harmful behaviours we engage in is often a trauma behaviour by itself. Everyone has patterns that are rooted in unhelpful tools, it is the awareness and humility to admit them that sets the healers apart.
Do not read this list and put yourself down – use it to build compassion for yourself and all the work you’ve already done on yourself, even if it is hard to see sometimes!