I thrive in chaos. It has been a childhood companion to me, always waiting around the corner, never to surprise me. What did catch me off guard is just how much I would struggle with normalcy, with relaxation and comfort. I do not trust it, and when faced with it, I shut down.
Routine and long-term relationships feel unsafe to me, so maybe it’s no wonder sitting with myself has proven to be difficult. People have asked me if it was hard to solo backpack around Asia- no I said. Changing beds and companies on the daily were calming to me. No commitments meaning no responsibilities, constantly changing input and sceneries… what’s stressful about that?
Now that I’m back, I can’t help but resent myself for waking up in the same bed every morning.
I don’t know what to do with myself in the evenings. I write, I edit my videos, I job hunt and care for my pets, but I rarely just sit down and enjoy myself. Even social outings I go to out of a sense of obligation- if I don’t feel like I have to, I won’t go. I will stay home, feel guilty, and nap. Often, I procrastinate so long until it’s too late to go, and then I come close to relaxing.
I complain about feeling lonely, but the truth is, I have no idea how people maintain relationships. Growing up, my parents hated each one of my friends, and I was told they were taking advantage of me. I vehemently protested, but it seems their words have left a deeper mark than I thought. I know my body deserves socialising, but my mind is tired of it.
People expect mental health issues to disappear once we “come out”. With kind words every now and then, I feel pressured to be my usual smiling self. When I’m not, the world tries to change it, forcing me to talk about my issues, because they cannot accept someone suffering if it is out of their control. You do not understand, I want to scream. Keep your hugs, your fake encouragements, let me be sad. You only want me to be happy so you don’t feel guilty.
If I was to tell you about every dark thought, I would paint your sky black on the daily.