Ironically, survivors of CPTSD who may identify with anxious attachment often inadvertently push people away and be none the wiser.
Adult children of abusive households or ex-spouses of narcissists (among others) go on to have complicated relationships with loved ones.
For many years, I thought I might attract toxic people, my kindness is being taken advantage of, my only vice is being too nice – but no.
Annoyingly, shockingly, embarrassingly, I see now that it was all my doing.
This is new for me:
I have always been the victim and had a clean conscience.
In writing this is ridiculous, but everything is in hindsight.
Prior to being able to see and admit any unhelpful behaviours it is important to heal the nervous system with somatic work so that any revelations can be seen as helpful.
The fact that you’re pushing people away does not mean you’re a bad person, or you’re exactly like your parents – it just means you’re human, and (hopefully) big enough to admit it.
These behaviours are often modeled out of self-defence and deep-rooted fear, and have to be approached with love and patience.
You made a mistake, that’s ok, but you gotta fix it.
- You feel unsafe voicing frustration, bottle it up – then let it out all at once
If you previously felt unable to voice negative emotions, you may have learned that it’s safer to keep them inside. Any frustration for instance was met with violent anger or belittling.
So you say nothing, pretend everything’s fine. You’re a good person who hates confrontation, so you keep it in, all the while you’re losing your mind over this situation. How dare they act this way? Why would they disrespect you?
Then, when you think they have finally gone too far, you let it all out in a rapturous explosion.
While you have a long list of slights, the other person does not have a chance to defend themselves. They can feel you going cold, but you reassure them everything’s fine. Because you truly think it is, that you will get over it.
Unfortunately, what you’re doing is gaslighting.
You’re withholding your truth, denying your loved one’s truth, and wondering why this relationship isn’t working.
And when you finally voice your thoughts, they are sudden and often mean.
If you were made to question your reality, you learned to build a case.
But these people are not your enemies (although it really feels like it now).
It takes a lot of grace and distance to see that you might have been unfair and cruel.
2. You’re looking for THE best friend with impossible expectations
You know, someone you can call when something bad happens. Someone you can put down as an emergency contact, give your spare key to, who will name you their child’s godparent.
What you’re really looking for is the dependence and love you never got from your parent/partner/abuser.
And it is unfair to expect a friend for instance to meet these expectations.
Maybe you’re showing up a lot for them, and resent them when they don’t do the same.
Maybe you expect them to read your mind, see the signs you’re giving, know customs that you think surely everyone follows.
The love you demand can only be given by yourself (and it will be beautiful!).
Friends, relationships and communities are there to support to you, yes, but you shouldn’t depend on just one or two people.
In time, they will justly become overwhelmed and put themselves first.
3. You cut out people who wronged you – and they are the literal worst
Once you are disappointed by someone or had a big fight, you no longer feel safe with them. They are surely not that one person you are looking for, so off they go.
Healthy relationships survive disagreements and fights over time.
When people care for each other they do not run off easily because they are scared of getting hurt.
To justify cutting someone off, you vilify them.
To earn your fury, you who is so empathetic and patient, they clearly are the devil.
If they are the bad guy, that makes you the good guy.
But after a series of bad guys cut off, you have to be honest and see that the common denominator is you.
No person is all good or all bad. Sometimes we make bad decisions, and that’s it.
Often, these behaviors reaffirm what you already believe to be true:
Other people always abandon you, and you’re better off alone.
It always feels safer in the land we already know.
There’s a another post coming in the next few days about more behaviours CPTSD survivors engage in, so follow to know when that’s up!
I’m writing this today because I just had an epiphany about my own behaviours.
For years I was furious at people who had wronged me, only to now realise that I was the one who pushed them away. I was even a bully! I still can’t believe it.
However, if you spent your entire life needing to be the good guy to feel seen, you will inevitably hurt people, most of all yourself.
This is incredibly scary, new and frustrating.
If you are on a journey of reparenting and healing, you know that all growth is frightening. I’m incredibly grateful I am able to see these hurtful patterns, and while I’m terrified, I know what the next step is. And so do you.
Reparent Your Soul 