How heavy the weight of our resentments is! From childhood, our romantic relationships and friendships: we all carry them with us. The 12-step program needs us to write all of these down and to look at our part in all of these. Why did we sit with our negative emotions for so long, and why was it so much easier to blame others?
“We admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.“
So how can our resentments of what other’s did to us be our wrongs? I wrote about us ultimately being what we think of others, and my pride would have been happy to be in denial about my feelings. With a heavy need for the approval of others, the person I’ve harmed most in my life was myself. Writing out my resentments one by one, I realised that I had failed to stand up for my true self in every one of them. And hence carried my resentments instead.
With a complicated childhood and sexual abuse in the past, a lot of what happened to me wasn’t my fault.
How I held on to it and denied myself the satisfaction to get angry was my fault however.
What a blessing to have this programme, and what a shame that it is limited to addicts! The truth is that in order to do this step properly, we need to be painfully honest, to be stripped bare of our pride and prejudices. Only when pushed into a corner and completely desperate are most able to do so.
My step 5 took over 6 hours, and my sponsor sat patiently, listening to my entire life. It’s so much easier to sit with the present now. Let me know if any of you have gone through this as well!