Owning up to what may not be my “fault”

Making excuses for falling behind is not promising for future behaviour.
And yet, I have so many of them.
My mother always said I had a million excuses for everything, but then again doesn’t everyone?
There’s always reasons why we don’t do what we’re meant to, even if it is feeling tired.
But explaining why my work isn’t up to my standards means I will probably make more excuses later, deterring others to work with me.

β€œThe right thing to do and the hard thing
to do are usually the same.”
– Steve Maraboli

I had a rough couple of months, and prioritised just finishing my dissertation.
Now, I did get a passing grade, but just about. And this will impact my further studies.
Do I list everything that went wrong that month, or do I let my poor work speak for itself and accept that I could have started earlier?

Admitting I did badly feels like admitting I am wrong.

When speaking of my panic of starting academic work because it makes me feel like an unqualified pretender, my therapist noted that I may have a fear of succeeding instead of failing.
Am I actually scared of getting what I wished for, qualifying for the years of work and having to justify getting picked?
Do I feel more comfortable berating myself and not achieving my goals, instead of continuously pushing myself?

β€œTo tell a ghost story means being willing to be haunted.”
– Judith “Jack” Halberstam

I don’t want to be haunted by my past insecurities anymore.
I am not being punished by life’s circumstances, incapable of reaching my goals or scared of what I can achieve for myself (at least, I’m trying not to be).
Being accountable for my past “failings” means momentarily being humble, honest and maybe uncomfortable.
But then I don’t have to carry around all this guilt instead!

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