Failure leads to deeper lessons for me

Today’s post is going to be more of a reminder to myself than a message of sharing.
Time and time again I’ve noticed just how much time I save by not worrying, and just doing.
Still, I spend days and weeks (even months) antagonising under the guise of planning.
My short film, my writing projects, applying for courses… the list goes on.
Why do we forget the lessons we have learned already?
Why am I intend on making the same mistakes again?

I’m not calling for a second chance
I’m screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don’t give me choice
Cause I’ll just make the same mistake again

– James Blunt

Part of it is being comfortable in chaos, in uncertainty, in feeling sorry for myself.
But there is also perfectionism:
I seemingly prefer not to do anything over doing something badly (judged by others of course).
This keeps me small, and complaining over my limited time. But we all have the same 24 hours!
This is not a new topic on this blog, but I do wonder for the reason for this self-sabotage.
As if rationalising would help me stop it!

‘Karma teaches us lessons time and time over
until we get it.

Thankfully, life keeps throwing me to same curveballs until I get it.
Until I learn asserting my boundaries, speaking my truth, being honest and humble…
Until then I will bash my head against the same wall, asking why it’s there.
And I’m incredibly grateful for the knowing. The deeper the pain, the better the lesson!
Sometimes it’s hard to see them in the moment, we might need time and healing.
And healing, along with forgiveness, should never be rushed.

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