You would think I’d welcome having people look forward to my work.
After years of spitting out content on my youtube channel, I’m finally getting commissions and people asking when the next video is getting released.
But instead, I’m filled with dread and freeze up. Why on earth am I so unmotivated and petrified of attention?
Work hard, play hard. But what when play becomes work? How do I then play?
It’s not even like I have blown up, getting hundreds of views regularly and therefore criticism. However, knowing that people are expecting me to turn over content and having deadlines takes the whimsy out of it. I do my editing for the day, have dinner, but then what do I do? Edit some more? I’m constantly glued to my laptop at the moment, it’s thundering outside, I feel lost.
‘The secret of getting ahead is getting started.’ – Mark Twain
I feel whiny and I know that I’m walking in circles, talking myself into a problem to avoid doing work. Because I thrive solving problems, sometimes I feel like I create them in the first place. People appreciate my work so I don’t anymore. Am I too much of a perfectionist? My responsibilities become serious so I wan’t to sack them off. At nearly 27, shouldn’t I be over this by now?
I hate being seen, and then crave praise at the same time.
My pain along with all human suffering seems to be a walking collection of oxymorons.
My usual coping mechanism with stress like going to the movies or hugging friends don’t work anymore, so I’m being forced to do some self-growth. I know I’m never going to be successful if I rebel against it this early on, so I’m just going to keep going a little bit every day until I get there, complaining or not.