‘It doesn’t matter what I say!’ I finally realised after years of living with a narcissist.
‘No matter what I do, I get attacked for it!’
I had gotten used to lawyer up mentally; to be ready to explain myself and provide proof for every action and opinion. With abusive people thriving off drama, it is no use though.
Does this sound familiar?
The grey rock method turned out to be life-changing for me.
By becoming uninteresting, plain and boring, I was giving toxic people no information or incentive to attack or try to manipulate. When someone doesn’t get the message that you’re trying to reduce contact, this is often the only way out.
As hard as it is, do not defend yourself in conversation with narcisissts. Do not talk back. Do not disagree. They are waiting for exactly that to pounce again. Leave them hanging.
Offer no opinions on anything, they are wasted here. Reduce eye contact, distract yourself while they’re talking. Short answers to essential questions only.
You don’t need them to think positively of you. You should already know how amazing you are, especially as the criticism will start raining soon to get you out of the covers!
As a consequence, I learned how much I wanted to be admired by the narcissists, playing right into their hands. I would only have received love if it suited them, leaving both of us in the dark of the unhealthy nature of our relationship.
Be careful though! Grey rocking over a long period of time can lead you to loose yourself and the connection to your thoughts and feelings. Be sure to have a safe outlet for yourself.
Meditate using the RAIN technique to keep yourself from disassociating completely.
This method should only be used selectively with the most abusive people who do not listen before you can safely cut off contact.