I went from updating this blog once a day, to once a month.
I am currently in between study courses, and allowed myself a few months off job hunting.
The short film I produced two years ago is still not finished editing.
I could let all this get to me (and believe me, I tried), or I could try self-compassion for my sabbatical.
“I’ve found time can heal most anything
and you just might find who you’re supposed to be.”
– Taylor Swift
I could give you easy excuses: I’ve been struggling quite a bit with my health, and am in the middle of being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease.
December is a hard time for me, not just because of the darkness, but also because it marks the anniversary of my abusers attacking me. I spend the holidays alone, and now that another lockdown is in the cards, I will probably spend new year’s eve alone too.
But the truth is, everyone struggles, right? And arguably more than I do.
“You know, the mind is a remarkable thing.
Just because you can’t see the wound
doesn’t mean it isn’t hurting.
It scars all the time, but it heals.“
– Jodi Picoult
There’s a temptation to justify whether I’m allowed rest, but the body does not listen to rationale.
If there is pain, both emotional and physical, it demands rest.
I can either allow for this to happen gracefully, or beat myself up over it.
I can worry about what people will say, how I might be perceived as lazy, or I could understand that my body does not allow me to work hard every day. And that’s ok!
“If you look at the world, you’ll be distressed.
If you look within, you’ll be depressed.
If you look at God you’ll be at rest.”
– Corrie ten Boom
Now, I know talking about God is not very in fashion.
If you are an atheist, replace God with any Higher Power of your choosing such as nature, community, empathy.
What I like about the above quote is that we don’t get our self-validation and happiness from our circumstances in the world outside, from our emotional state inside, but only from what we hold holy. There is beauty in this life and is enough to nourish us.
We do not need to get everything we dream off, or even health, to live a good life.
And I’m starting to come to terms with that.